What to Say When Your Partner Won't Agree to Marriage Counseling

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Many couples that are experiencing difficulties in their relationship have this experience: one partner floats the idea of marriage counseling to help salvage the relationship, but the other partner says no way. If you're the partner who suggested counseling, your spouse's flat no can feel like a statement that they aren't interested in working on the relationship, and that can lead you to believe that it's over. However, things don't have to go that way. Take a look at three things that you should say to a partner who won't agree to marriage counseling.

"Is This a Good Time to Talk?"

Many people make the mistake of bringing up counseling while they're in the middle of an argument. While this is understandable, it's rarely a good strategy. In fact, it's likely to put your spouse on the defensive. When you're both angry, the suggestion can sound less like "we need counseling," and more like, "you need counseling." In other words, your spouse is likely to hear it as you accusing them of doing something wrong, and may interpret the suggestion of counseling as an attempt to punish or "fix" them.

Even if you do blame your spouse for the marriage difficulties, that's not a productive way to approach the conversation. So, if you brought the idea up in anger and your spouse rejected it, back off. Wait until a time when you're both calm and relaxed, then ask your spouse if this is a good time to talk. If they say no, respect that. Just ask when would be a good time for them to talk, and wait until that time. You'll get a lot further if you wait until you're both calm and your spouse is ready to talk about things.

"I Have Work to Do Too"

Remember that your partner may still be thinking of counseling as you trying to punish them or fix them. It's important that you make the point that you both have work to do and that marriage counseling is about both of you improving your relationship skills, not about you blaming them. You want to let your spouse know that you are taking responsibility for your own flaws and want to work on them, not just putting the blame on them.

This is another good reason not to have this conversation while you're angry. In the heat of the moment, you may really feel that your partner is at fault for all of your problems. However, if you step back, calm down, and think about things for a while, chances are that you'll realize that it takes two people to make the marriage work, and if it's not working, it's a pretty good bet that you both could use some improvement.

"If You Won't Go, I'll Go Alone"

Going to marriage counseling alone may sound strange, but it's really not all that unusual. In the end, you can't force your partner to do anything. The only person you can control is yourself, and there's nothing stopping you from seeking counseling alone. And it may actually help.

A five-year study of long-term couples showed that after a month of relationship-skills training, couples where only one partner got the training showed as much improvement as couples where both partners got the training together. It makes sense: if you learn better skills for communicating and problem-solving in your relationship, you'll respond to your partner differently, and you'll see a different outcome. Also, it's likely that your partner will pick up the new skills that you bring to the marriage from you, even if they never set foot in a counselor's office. And it's always possible that seeing you happier will inspire your partner to begin attending sessions with you.

Don't let your partner's initial refusal to attend counseling be the end of the discussion. If you're determined to save the marriage, taking a different approach may be the key to begin solving your marriage difficulties. Make an appointment with a clinic such as Tim Robbins Counseling to get started.

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24 August 2016